Selphie's Latest Obsession
by Carbuncle
Summary: Selphie becomes obsessed with cleanliness. You'll know what the deal is when you read this fic.


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Selphie's Tampons aka Thrustaevis Wing Tampons  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the hallway. Irvine is waiting outside the public toilets, pacing the floor)  
Irvine: (shouting) Selphie, have you finished yet?! (the door opens and Selphie walks out into the hallway)  
Selphie: All done! ^_^ I'm nice and clean now, Irvy!  
Irvine: Thank goodness! I thought you were gonna be in there all day!  
Selphie: Well, you know how I like to take care of myself, and these new Thrustaevis Wing Tampons are just the trick! (takes out a small box from her pocket and waves it in front of Irvine)  
Irvine: Oh, geez! Do you have to keep flashin' them around?!  
Selphie: Let's go and find Rinoa!  
Irvine: What? Why?  
Selphie: No reason...  
Irvine: Oh, Selphie, you're not gonna introduce Rinoa to the bizarre world of your new tampons, are you?  
Selphie: Maybe!  
Irvine: Please promise that you won't!  
Selphie: Okay, I promise!  
Irvine: Really?  
Selphie: Yes!  
Irvine: All right then, let's go.  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Squall and Rinoa are sitting at the table)  
Rinoa: Squall, what do you think of me?  
Squall: Excuse me?  
Rinoa: Never mind.  
Selphie: (she and Irvine walk in) Hi, you two!  
Rinoa: Hello, Selphie. How are you today?  
Selphie: I'm great! And you wanna know why?  
Rinoa: Wh... Why?  
Irvine: Oh, God! Selphie, don't!  
Selphie: (takes out a small box from her pocket and waves it about in the air) Lookie, Rinoa! ^_^ Check out these babies!  
Rinoa: ...a box of tampons? Selphie, why are you showing them to me?  
Selphie: No, no, no, Rinoa! These aren't your regular run-of-the-mill tampons! They're Thrustaevis Wing Tampons; made from the smooth skin of Thrustaevis wings! Aren't they something else?!  
Rinoa: ...um, yeah. Sure.  
Selphie: You wanna try one?!  
Rinoa: ...maybe later.  
Selphie: I'm gonna go show them to my other lesser known friends! Catch you all later! (runs away with her arms stretched out, making airplane noises)  
Squall: Irvine, is Selphie okay?  
Irvine: It's those damn tampons. They've taken over her life. They're all she ever talks about. Every day and every night for the last six weeks! Thrustaevis Wing Tampons this, Thrustaevis Wing Tampons that! It's drivin' me insane!  
Rinoa: Well, they certainly seem to make her happy.  
Irvine: Too happy!  
Squall: Perhaps she's finally cracked...  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Selphie is skipping down the corridor, when she meets Zell)  
Selphie: Hi, Zell!  
Zell: Selphie, what a nice surprise. Where you goin'?  
Selphie: I'm looking for my girl friends! I've got something very special to show them!  
Zell: Really? What is it?  
Selphie: I don't think you'd be interested, Zell. Seeing as you're a guy and stuff.  
Zell: No, I'm interested.  
Selphie: You are?! Okay! ^_^ I'll show you! (takes out the Thrustaevis Wing Tampons from her pocket) Zell, say hello to my Thrustaevis Wing Tampons!  
Zell: !?!?!?!?!?  
Selphie: Zell, are you all right?  
Zell: I'm (burps) fine!  
Selphie: Ohmigosh! Your face is turning green!  
Zell: Oh, here comes that vomit again! (runs off covering his mouth)  
Selphie: Weird...  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Squall, Rinoa and Irvine are eating their lunch)  
Rinoa: So, Irvine, Squall and I were wondering if you and Selphie would like to go out on a double date this Friday night?  
Irvine: I doubt it.  
Rinoa: How come?  
Irvine: I don't think I can stand a whole evening of Selphie goin' on about her damn tampons.  
Squall: (cheering) Here, here!  
Rinoa: Okay, I've had enough of this. I'll go and talk some sense into her. Wait here, both of you. (gets up and leaves the cafeteria)  
  
(Cut to the lobby. Rinoa walks in, and finds Zell sitting on a bench)  
Rinoa: Zell, have you seen Selphie today?  
Zell: (weakly) Y... Yeah, she just went over to the Quad, I think.  
Rinoa: Zell, are you all right?  
Zell: ...not really. Selphie just showed me her... y'know...  
Rinoa: Her...? Oh, right! Poor Zell...  
Zell: I... I'm gonna have nightmares tonight.  
Rinoa: Well, you just sit here and rest up. I'll see you later.  
Zell: Oh... Okay, bye. (Rinoa walks off towards the Quad)  
  
(Cut to the Quad. Selphie is showing her new tampons to her weird friends)  
Selphie: You just gotta try 'em! They're superific!  
Girl #1: I've heard of them. They're supposed to be real easy to use.  
Girl #2: How did you get them, Selphie? I heard they only sell them over in Esthar City.  
Girl #3: Did you swipe them from Ms. Trepe?  
Selphie: No! I got them from mail order! The advertisement said they would come in six days, but it only took three!  
Girl #2: May I...?  
Selphie: Of course! Thrustaevis Wing Tampons all 'round! I've got seventeen boxes anyway! (Selphie's friends gather around as she hands out the tampons; Rinoa approaches) Oh, hey, Rinoa! Do you want a Thrustaevis Wing Tampon, too?  
Rinoa: (takes the box of tampons from Selphie and throws them out through a nearby window) There! No more tampons!  
Selphie: (panicking) RINOA?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!  
Rinoa: I'm sorry, Selphie. But they were taking over your life. I had to do it.  
Selphie: (hysterically) BUT THEY'RE THE CLEANEST, FRESHEST TAMPONS EVER! ARE YOU INSANE?!  
Rinoa: Calm down, Selphie! (slaps her) Get a hold of yourself!  
Selphie: (gasps) Th... Thank you, Rinoa. Y... You saved my life.  
Rinoa: Now, you and Irvine are coming out with Squall and I this Friday night, okay?  
Selphie: Y... Yes...  
Rinoa: Great! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Squall and the others. (leaves)  
Selphie: ...  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Squall and Irvine are talking)  
Irvine: I sure hope Rinoa can talk some sense into my beloved Selphie.  
Squall: Don't worry, Irvine. Rinoa'll fix her up.  
Rinoa: (walks in) I'm back!  
Irvine: How'd it go?  
Rinoa: Successfully! She's off the tampon addiction!  
Irvine: Oh, you're the best, Rinoa! (hugs her)  
Squall: (angry) Hey! She's my girl!  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Selphie is skipping down the corridor with a big smile on her face)  
Selphie: #Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! They're the hottest new tampons on the block, you better use 'em or you're gonna suck! La-la-la-la-la! Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! Only 10 gil a box, and 20 gil for each additional one!#  
Zell: (approaches in his usual mood) Hey, Selphie! What you singin' about?  
Selphie: I'm singing the Thrustaevis Wing Tampons theme tune! Isn't it cool?!  
Zell: Huh?  
Selphie: I take it you haven't seen the commercial?  
Zell: Commercial?  
Selphie: #Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! They're the hottest new-  
Zell: What the hell are "Thrustaevis Wing Tampons"?  
Selphie: Didn't I show them to you earlier? Oh well, here they are again! (takes out a new box of the tampons from her pocket) Pretty funky, huh?  
Zell: They (burps) sure are!  
Selphie: Zell, you're turning green again!  
Zell: Gotta go! (runs off covering his mouth)  
Selphie: Strange...  
Irvine: (appears behind her) Hello, cutie! How're you doing?  
Selphie: ^_^ Irvine! I'm so happy to see you!  
Irvine: You are?  
Selphie: Yeah, close your eyes.  
Irvine: Why?  
Selphie: Just do it!  
Irvine: Okay... (closes his eyes)  
Selphie: Okay, open them... NOW!  
Irvine: (opens his eyes to be greeted by a box of Thrustaevis Wing Tampons being waved about in front of his face) Wha?! I... I thought Rinoa got rid of them?!  
Selphie: Oh, she did. But I have a HUGE supply in my dorm! Neat, don't you think?  
Irvine: (screams) No!  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. He is lying on his bed. Squall walks in)  
Squall: Hey, Zell, mind if I hang out here for a while?  
Zell: Sure.  
Squall: Rinoa's making plans for the weekend. I didn't really want to stick around. She likes to be SO organised.  
Zell: At least you have a girlfriend. I don't have no one.  
Squall: Huh?  
Zell: Oh, nothing. It's just somethin' that happened today.  
Squall: What?  
Zell: Just something that brought back a lot of painful memories.  
Squall: You want to talk about it?  
Zell: No.  
Squall: All right. (starts to leave)  
Zell: Hey, hey! Where ya goin'?!  
Squall: I dunno. Cafeteria, I guess.  
Zell: Okay, okay! I'll talk!  
Squall: (sits with him on the bed) Now we're talking!  
Zell: (sighs) Let me tell you a story, Squall. It's an innocent little tale about what life was like when I was just a kid. I was still livin' with my mother in Balamb. I was 10 years old...  
  
(Cut to Balamb Town, Zell's house. 10-year-old Zell is running around in his bedroom, playing with a toy airplane)  
Kid Zell: Vroom! I'm comin' in to land, sir! Vroom! Oh, enemy aircraft dead ahead! I'm gonna have to take 'em out! Vroom! (changes his voice slightly) No, soldier! It's too dangerous! You have to return to base NOW! (speaks normally again) No can do, sir! Vroom! I'm goin' for it!  
Ma Dincht: (from downstairs) Zell, I'm going to get some fish for dinner. You'll be all right here on your own, won't you?  
Kid Zell: Sure I will, Ma!  
Ma Dincht: (from downstairs) All right, now you don't go touchin' the dinner pan, you hear?  
Kid Zell: I won't, Ma!  
Ma Dincht: (from downstairs) Be good, Zell!  
Squall: (voice over) Zell, is there a point to this story?  
Zell: (voice over) Dammit, Squall! I was just gettin' to the point! Which is actually a few years later. Sorry, but I love this memory!  
Squall: (voice over) Zell, hurry up.  
Zell: (voice over) Spoil sport! Anyway, it all happened about 2 years later...  
  
(Cut to Zell's living room. 12-year-old Zell is wandering around)  
Zell: (voice over) ...I was lookin' for my mom. She'd been callin' me for ages.  
Kid Zell: (walks into the back room) Ma? You in here?  
Zell: (voice over) And then I saw it... there on the floor...  
Squall: (voice over) Saw what?  
Kid Zell: What the heck is this? Ooh, interestin'! (bends over and picks up a used tampon from off the floor) Ooh, pretty!  
Ma Dincht: (walks into the room) Zell! Put that down, for the love of Hyne! Put it down!  
  
(Cut back to Zell's dorm)  
Zell: And ever since then, I've had a fear of tampons...  
Squall: ...sick!  
Zell: So, does this make me a freak or somethin'?  
Squall: ...no, not a freak. Just... weird, I guess.  
Zell: I have to get over my phobia!  
Squall: No, you don't, Zell. You just have to push it deep down inside yourself and never think about it ever again.  
Zell: (closes his eyes) Yeah, that worked!  
Squall: Good. I'm... gonna... leave now... okay? (slowly leaves the room)  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Irvine is talking to Selphie)  
Irvine: Please, Selphie! You have to give up those tampons!  
Selphie: Ew! No way, Irvy!  
Irvine: L... Look, I got you a box of new tampons, right here! (takes out a blue box from his coat pocket)  
Selphie: (reading) "Blobra Tampons: A gelatinous tampon with a pleasant touch. Blobra Tampons are susceptible to fire, ice or thunder. Use with caution."  
Irvine: Great, huh?!  
Selphie: I'm not trading in my Thrustaevis Wing Tampons for those crappy rip-offs!  
Irvine: Dammit! (Squall walks past them) Squall! Buddy! Lemme ask you somethin'!  
Squall: What do you want?  
Irvine: If you were a girl, and you had to choose between smooth or soft, then what would you go for?  
Squall: Is this one of those hypothetical questions?  
Selphie: Forget it, Irvy! I'm not giving up my Thrustaevis Wing Tampons! (storms off)  
Irvine: Dammit!  
Squall: (laughs) You sure have a big problem there, Irvine! I'm glad Rinoa isn't so...  
Irvine: So what?!  
Squall: Nothing. Just pretend you didn't hear that.  
Rinoa: (from across the hallway) Oh, wow! I feel so lightheaded... and so clean too!  
Squall & Irvine: Oh, my God!  
Squall: Nah, it couldn't be... could it?  
Irvine: ...  
Selphie: (she and Rinoa skip down the hallway towards Squall and Irvine) What'd I tell you, Rinoa?  
Rinoa: You said they were the best!  
Selphie: And what were they?  
Rinoa: The best!  
Squall: Rinoa, what happened?! Are you all right?!  
Rinoa: Mmm, I've never felt better, Squall!  
Squall: Selphie, what have you done to her?!  
Selphie: Oh, relax, Squall! Rinoa's just experienced her first Thrustaevis Wing Tampon, that's all!  
Rinoa: And I loved it! Woo! (spins around in a circle)  
Irvine: (to Rinoa) They've gotten to you, too! This is horrible!  
Selphie: C'mon, Rinoa, let's go spread the word!  
Rinoa: Yes! Whoopee! (she and Selphie run off laughing)  
Squall: (screams) Rinoa! No!  
Irvine: Ha! Now you've lost your girl to tampons, too!  
Squall: We have to do something!  
Irvine: Face it, Squall. We're never gonna get 'em back to normal. We're screwed.  
Squall: No, wait! I think I have an idea!  
  
(Cut to Obel Lake (heh, I checked my official FFVIII guide book, and this is where the creatures, Thrustaevis, are found). Irvine has his shotgun pointed into the air. Everytime a Thrustaevis flies past, he blows it out of the sky. Squall is sitting near the lake)  
Squall: Yep, keep shootin', Irvine...  
Irvine: Are you sure this'll- (fires at another Thrustaevis) Are you sure this'll work?  
Squall: Uh-huh! They can't make Thrustaevis Wing Tampons without Thrustaevis wings, right? Ooh, there's another one!  
Irvine: (fires his shotgun again; a Thrustaevis drops out of the sky and lands in the lake) Yeah! Eat dirt!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria, a week later. Selphie and Rinoa are sitting at their table. They both look pretty (very pretty) sad)  
Selphie: (sighs) Well, it was fun while it lasted...  
Rinoa: Yeah, my lower region had never felt so clean...  
Irvine: (he and Squall are watching in the background) Heh! We did it, Squall!  
Squall: Yep, the Thrustaevis is officially extinct. (brief silence) I hope you're proud of yourself, Irvine!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END__________  
  
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End file.
